Things to do this Summer

1. Camp in a place where I can absolutely avoid the modern world for up to 7 days. Enjoy the outdoors and nature with Travis, play music, draw pictures of what I find, write and tell stories.

2. - Keep a summer journal as if I am an explorer, and write/draw about what I see and do.

3. Folk Fest!

4. Photo scavenger hunt! I want to find and take pictures of historic places, interesting architecture, famous art, etc. all over Minneapolis. I will post the pictures and try to get others to take pictures in the same places.

5. Move out!

This list will be amended as I continue to think of things.

The Projects

For the past two hours I've been sitting and looking at eBay, trying to find the ideal mixed lot of Victorian-era drawer pulls to install in a future closet as a way to organize my somewhat vast collection of scarves. This is the kind of thing I do on a typical early-summer day. Sometimes, I wonder about myself...

I feel an enormous pressure on me right now to take advantage of these next couple weeks (week and a half?) I have off, but it's as if, when presented with free time, I find I suddenly become lethargic and unmotivated. I have things I want to do and the weather is lovely for being outdoors, but my capacity for laziness is overwhelming. With the coming of summer, I immediately forget the things that I was always aching to do when school was keeping me from pursuing my other passions. Maybe I just need to become more disciplined and force myself to tackle one project a day. Here are a list of The Projects I've been wanting to work on.

1. Finish crocheting that lacy bolero and simple drawstring skirt.

I have this problem with crochet projects. I devote a lot of time to working on them and then I start to wonder, "Am I really going to wear this thing?" and I get all anxious and eventually lose interest. Right now I'm almost done with this forest green bolero worked in a complex and lacy pattern. I'm almost done and it's ridiculous that I haven't finished it yet. I should just do it, and if it really ends up being "not me" I can give it to someone else.

2. Start keeping a scrap book.

I'm still not entirely sure I'm even really interested in doing this one, but my mom kept a scrap book and I always loved to look at it when I was young. I at least want to work on some kind of picture album, which would require getting all my pictures printed out at long last.

3. Finish decopauging storage cubes.

I've finished one completely and just need to varnish it. Only two more to go! Decopauging is so meditative and satisfying. I remember Marly's excellent desk she decopauged with vintage ads. I'd still like to do that to some small piece of furniture someday.

4. Sell/donate old clothes, books, and other items to avoid having to pack them and move them to a new apartment.

Participating in the CARAG Super Sale was kind of pointless. I guess I made about $40, which I spent on booze and food almost immediately. Better than nothing, I suppose, but not entirely worth the effort. I think garage sales are best reserved for times when you need to get rid of larger stuff that doesn't require trying on. Donating to Arc's Value Village seems like a better idea for clothing.

5. Practice belly dancing and yoga.

I was so good about this two weeks ago! I gotta kick it back into gear.

6. Work on songs with Travis.

Of course, this requires that Travis be home and ready to participate.

7. Practice mandolin.

I need to find a better method for learning. Maybe today I'll email Nick and see if he wants to offer any advice.

8. Mixed-media animation piece.

The project to end all projects: I want to create a set, posable characters, backgrounds, etc. to make a tiny mini-film incorporating elements of photography, hand-drawing and painting, model-building, photo-editing and story-telling. I feel like I've finally thought of a project that encompasses some of my nerdiest passions: dolls, miniatures, stop-motion animation, dioramas and photoshop. The plan is to create an actual set and take still digital photos of a character or characters interacting with the set, then edit each of the individual photos on my computer using photoshop. I also want to scan in hand-drawn images and incorporate them into the shots. Then, each picture can be strung together into a little piece of footage (probably not more than a minute, maybe even less) using iMovie or some such program.

Well, right now it's time for me to get off my ass and do something. I think I'm going to pack up my crocheting and bike down to Caffetto to see if I can't finish that lacy bolero once and for all.

Tony's Birthday Party Pictures

Yesterday was a good day, even though we didn't end up going to see Califone. If it had been anywhere other than the 400 Bar, we probably would've gone, but paying $15 to stand in a dark, crowded box with bad acoustics, struggling to see anything other than the back of the person in front of us didn't sound too appealing. I really don't like the 400. Seeing Joanna Newsom there was worth it, but I feel like I only got to see the stage for maybe a couple of minutes towards the end. I would like to see Califone sometime, but hopefully they'll end up going somewhere else.

Here are some pictures from Tony's Party.

The evening starts with Brett and Abby giving a very detailed account of Brett's recent illness, and how Brett... uh... lost control of his bowels for a time there. Here he is describing the story.

Julie and Tony have mixed reactions
Charlie remains characteristically unphased.
Tallums looks a little disgusted.
Inside, everyone else has gathered around the table to prepare for presents. Ashlee looks like she might be plotting my undoing. Jonathan just looks drunk.
Brett's ready to get serious about the night.
Everyone sings happy birthday. Apparently, Tony's only turning one. And he's a girl.
Let me guess... Brett just said something funny/offensive...
Don't trust him, Tony!
Tony, after his coronation.
Tony has a spongebob.
Ben doing Bennish things.
Tony got some sound effects!
...From Charlie!
Princess Tony is mobbed by paparazzi.
Subjects, angry at Princess Tony's "Let them eat cake" comment, make him eat cake!
Ashlee reminds us that there is always some joy to be found in the suffering of others.
The sink is clogged.
Charlie is having so much fun that it hurts.
The night ends happily...
With me looking fabulous.

I have more pictures to put up, but this shit takes so much time I'm going to have to finish tomorrow. I want to be done with the computer for a while.

Some Closure

After the funeral, I hung out with Ben, Charlie, Travis, Kelly, and Tony on the porch and drank and talked and looked at pictures. Then I woke up and posted on my MySpace blog.

Today is indeed the first day of the rest of my life. Classes have ended for the semester, which was, for the most part, awful. I had fun and did a lot of interesting things, but I HATED school this semester. It's hard to get motivated to do something you hate. I've heard that the classes I'm enrolled in for Fall are difficult, but more rewarding. I don't mind working hard if the incentive is there; I'll work my ass off if I think a subject is worth learning. I just hope I can stay on-task for this final leg of my journey as an undergrad.

I'm so ready for summer. I want to "fall in love with life and drink it from a fountain." I'm trying to find a simple way to say this... I want every action I take to be infused and alive with art and beauty. I want to dress in linen and silk, to cook fabulous dinners of colorful vegetables, to spend every moment learning and creating. But above all I want to spend a good portion of my days just sharing love and honest conversation with the ones I care about, or to help those I don't even know.

This blog is where I will chart this journey. It's a little more private than my myspace blog and a little less self-aggrandizing, so I won't feel uncomfortable when I feel compelled to post a lot of shit. It's also a hell of a lot more convenient than always trying to find my paper journal when I need to write stuff down, and I can post pictures.

Tonight, I am cooking a pasta salad for dinner to share with Travis. We already have an unopened bottle of wine to enjoy it with. I love wine... I think I'm in danger of becoming a wino, or at least a wine snob. Depending on how successful I am in the future. The recipe shall be as follows:

"Roots & Crowns" Pasta Salad (We're seeing Califone at the 400 Bar tonight. Woot)

1 package of butternut squash ravioli
3/4 cup pumpkin seeds, toasted
Some goat cheese
carrots, yellow cauliflower, and red cabbage, steamed
Olive oil, mixed with a tiny splash of white wine vinegar, sugar, and chili powder

I am going to get dressed (I'm still in my pj's, cuddling with Lady Briar), ride my bike down to The Wedge to pick up needed ingredients, and come back, throw on my apron and start decopauging some furniture. Eventually, I may work up the motivation to finish the last odds and ends of schoolwork I need to email out to my teacher. I just feel compelled to make today a beautiful day and therefore don't feel compelled to think about school right now. But I must! Boo.

Today has been a fucked-up day.

It's strange how, until you actually lose someone, the thought of them not being there never even crosses your mind. Sure, in your mind's most morbid wanderings, you may think, "What if so-and-so died?" but it's impossible to grasp the reality of it, the finality of death. And then suddenly, there's no more "somedays," no more "maybe tomorrow's." Only, "If only's." And you're left with this poisoned feeling, this sickening knowledge that these things do happen and will happen to people close to you. It's a feeling beyond sad. It's an angry, bruise-colored feeling, a mixture of anger, despair, and heartsickness, all colored by a sense that life is just so surreal sometimes. The fact that someone can be worried about all the mundane aspects of getting from day-to-day one moment and just gone the next is so hard to understand. I struggle with it every time I'm faced with a situation like this one.

I think after someone dies there's this strange transformation that takes place in the memory of those left behind, where the person's most dreadful traits are forgotten, or embraced as a part of their unique personality. But right now I really can't remember JJ having any negative traits. Granted, I haven't seen him in a year (something I will always regret), I have five years' worth of memories of him growing up and coming into his own, and he was always amazing. He had the most unique energy, this irresistible mix of grown-up cynicism and sensitivity, a personal style that was genuine to the core. Even as an 11-year old, he seemed to have a very real sense of who he was, and we were all excited to see who he would become. By the time he was 14, he was more of a badass than most of my friends are now. He and I would hang out on the balcony of my old apartment and smoke weed that he found growing in a ditch, and sometimes we would take him out to shows or to parties. And he would get along with my friends, some of whom were ten years older than him. He was the communal little brother, kind of a cross between a young Tarzan and Dennis the Menace, always scheming and duping the younger kids, or locking me and Marly out of the house when we were supposed to be babysitting him. He taught Julie how to do the worm and I taught him how to take a proper shot of whiskey. When he was little, we talked about dragons, and when he was older, we played Spades.

CJ was a great man and an excellent father... I wish I had been able to hang out with him since I became old enough to talk to adults without feeling uncomfortable. I love my family and wouldn't change them for the world, but the Ramstads have always been the family that every kid in our group was somewhat envious of, and CJ was always the "cool" dad that defied our traditional understanding of how dads were supposed to dress and behave.

I know it's pointless to think like this, but I can't help but ask "why?" Why JJ? Why CJ? I wish I could make sense of it. I tend to think of the world as a rational place and I like to tell myself that there must have been some reason, but it just seems like the universe made a mistake to take such wonderful people. Especially JJ, who was just beginning to hone all of his talents and spring forth into the world of music and art and everything else.

It's a tragedy that defies understanding. Acceptance just has to come a little bit at a time. But I mourn not only for what we know we've lost, but what won't ever be. I had a special place in my heart for JJ, and I can only hope that someday I'm able to raise a kid as wonderful as he was.